Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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