I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
