Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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