I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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