On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
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