if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
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