Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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