If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
