Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
