i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
