If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
