Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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