I think my fart just growled at me.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
