hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Randomize