Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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