Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
