did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Randomize
