Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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