he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
