He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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