I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
