he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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