You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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