Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
