I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
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