dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
