Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Randomize
