Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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