so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
