i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
