i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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