I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Randomize
