I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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