I wish I only lived at night.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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