good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
