at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
