Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
What drink are we having for lunch?
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
