He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
