I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
