If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
