I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
