if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
