no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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