I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
