it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
did i just pee glitter
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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