This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
