But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
Randomize
