Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
No subtext here. People are naked.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Randomize
