Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
