I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
