We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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