That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Randomize
