Girls should come with a carfax report
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
