i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
