Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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