Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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