You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
